Pronoun conversations are popping up all over; and, luckily, they’re spreading to the workplace, too. As pronouns are deeply personal, it’s important that this part of a person’s identity is both respected and accepted at work.
To start any new work (or personal) relationship off on the right foot, introduce yourself with your name and pronouns.
What are pronouns?
In a grammatical sense, pronouns are words we use as stand-ins for nouns — including someone’s name. But these little words signify so much more!
Personal pronouns are a means of expressing identity as one navigates the world. And, in this case, navigates the work environment.
Consider your own pronouns. If you were assigned female at birth and you still identify as female, you likely use she/her. If you were assigned male and still identify as male, you probably use he/him. But just as there are an infinite number of possible personalities, so there are infinite forms of gender expression. And to express gender, each individual will use whatever pronouns feel right.
Keep in mind that you can’t know someone’s pronouns from their name, how they look, or how they dress. For example, just because someone is named Sarah doesn’t mean that they use she/her. And someone with a beard and wearing a suit doesn’t necessarily use he/him.
How many pronouns are there?
In English, we have the binary pronouns of she and he, but we also have a number of other options for referring to gender-diverse people. Currently, the most common of these is they/them, used in the singular. (For more information on the history of singular “they,” see this article: A brief history of gender neutral pronouns – BBC News)
The pronouns they/them are a marker that the person identifies outside the gender binary of male/female.
For example:
- Have you seen Michaela today? Their new haircut looks great on them!
- I feel so bad for Javier because they have to reformat all the tables they just finished.
There is also a group of pronouns called neo-pronouns. Some people prefer to use these because they are even further from traditional binary English constructions. Or they simply feel more at home with them.
Some examples include xe/xem, ze/zir, and ey/em.
For more information and a list of common neo-pronouns, check out this website: Everything you need to know about neopronouns – LGBTQ Nation
Also, just as gender can be fluid, some people’s pronouns will change based on how they feel at a given point in time. And some people prefer not to use pronouns at all and may simply request that you use a name instead.
Introductions
The easiest way to clarify someone’s pronouns is to introduce yourself first with your own. For example:
- “Hi, my name is Shoshana, and I use she/her pronouns. What’s your name?”
If you don’t speak first, and the person you’re talking to doesn’t offer their pronouns, you could say:
- “It’s so nice to meet you! My name is Shoshana, and I use she/her pronouns. What pronouns do you use?”
It may feel stilted at first, but it will start to feel natural very quickly. Plus, it’s a simple way to create an open and respectful environment from the very first interaction.
You will also put trans, non-binary, and gender-queer people at ease by showing you aren’t making assumptions, and leaving space for them to tell you how they identify.
These are two other great ways to foster inclusivity in the work environment:
- Put your pronouns in your email signature.
- Put your pronouns after your name on videocalls.
Note: Some people use multiple pronouns. If this is the case, you can use whichever of the offered pronouns you like. For example, someone might introduce themselves by saying they use she/they or he/ze or she/he/they.
And if you missed your chance during introductions, just ask the person later for their pronouns. It’s much better to feel awkward asking than to misgender them.
If you mess up
Don’t sweat it — everyone makes mistakes! Just apologize and move on.
Even for those of us who are used to using gender-neutral or neo-pronouns, sometimes we forget or accidentally misgender someone. When that happens, make sure to correct yourself and continue the conversation.
You can apologize quickly, but don’t dwell on an apology: that will put your conversation partner in the awkward position of needing to make you feel better.
If someone corrects you, politely say thank you, take the correction to heart, and move on. Don’t make a big deal out of it, and don’t get angry with the person correcting you.
Also, NEVER complain to someone that their pronouns are confusing. By doing so, you are telling them that their identity as a human being is worth less than a moment of your time to learn a different word.
Tips for remembering pronouns
Sometimes it can be hard to remember someone’s pronouns, especially if their identity doesn’t match the assumption in your head, or if you don’t interact with them frequently.
One of the best ways to remember pronouns is simply to practice. You can do this in your head, out loud to yourself, or with a friend or colleague.
To practice, think up 3-5 compliments for that person. For example:
- Kai did a great job at the AMWA presentation today. I thought he summed up our points perfectly.
- Did you see George’s study on the new melanoma drug? They did a great job on it!
- Jo is such a good co-worker. When I was running late for the meeting yesterday, ze immediately offered to cover for me.
General considerations
NEVER ask someone why they use a specific pronoun.
NEVER ask what gender they were assigned at birth, if they are trans, or if they have changed their gender and/or name. Basically, don’t ask for any information that isn’t freely given – it’s nosy, uncomfortable, and irrelevant.
DON’T assume anything else about someone’s identity based on their pronouns, such as their sexual identity. Pronouns just tell you how someone refers to their own gender, nothing more.
You can always refer to someone by name in conversation if you don’t know their pronouns.
Conclusion
Pronouns are deeply personal and extremely important. These tiny words make a world of difference for creating an open and accepting workplace.
The two most important things to remember when it comes to pronouns — and, indeed, any aspect of a healthy relationship — are to listen and not make assumptions.
So, start every relationship, whether at work or in life, with a pronoun exchange!
